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I remember when we were in the pool last summer. We didn’t have bathing suits. I was hungry, sad from not being touched for months. I found myself in your ex boyfriend’s trust fund mansion, brown wood everywhere, sipping an old fashioned with an orange peel wearing nothing but my lacy white bra and cut offs.

Somehow the feeling of what would happen tasted familiar in my throat, like your mouths from years ago bubbling - your taste-

So I threw my head back to laugh, acknowledge the dark violet cycle we fell into for a while - the cough syrup that made me sick with love for you, and welcome it back just for tonight.

The pool looked wonderful, delicious, I suddenly wanted water all over me. I wanted silence and I wanted coolness on my skin. I got up, I was holding her hand, we were in the water together, head down hair wet and there was no noise. I felt the boys eyes watching me. I liked them watching and knowing they would never touch me. I never wanted them to touch me. I was wet I was underwater she was underwater. Her hands found my arms tugged me close. Our bare limbs,  touching, her legs suddenly around my waist. We felt bony, naked, alone in the slow motion water. Making me move slow.

I didn’t want her, but I wanted to pull long hair that felt like her’s, like the girl I actually want

This is how it always went

I wanted something that resembled something I could love, could fuck. And you, darling petals that I know so well, you have always been there. There, for me to touch and kiss if I want to. To lean on, god you’ve always been there for me.

Have I manipulated you? Can you possibly be manipulated?

I just wanted someone’s ass against me. I wanted someones mouth on my neck, not to look at their face, for you, she she she whoever this is, is not who I want

My heady essential dark one that’s out of my reach could be you in the right light

My friend, my old sweet friend, in your best light maybe, but you’re still not her

If you were taller, hips smaller and not as quick to smile

I can pretend, as you are now, that what we are doing

Breath in ear, is mutual

That this about me, maybe you always knew

Are we in sync pinned against eachother, or are we just drunk?

The boys watched, the boys watched, and you grabbed me harder

That’s why, and that’s okay

We’re both fucking for somebody else

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