Eating disorders can come in many forms and not many people understand that they stay with you for the rest of your life. Whether you recover or not I still know the majority of calories I eat in every meal just because I memorised every item on a food shop, it’s just normal. Having anorexia at the young age of 10 and being in and out of hospital i have over the years blocked out the trauma of that time out of my head, completely unintentionally, again it’s just normal. One doesn’t really want to remember the screaming crying and emotional trauma that something as simple as a single grape can cause over your entire state of body and mind.
The difference in eating disorders massively ranges but they all have one thing in common which is this sense of control. For one believes their will be an intrinsic relation for being in control of your weight at such intense levels will make you happier, in my case being as skinny as I could be would sort out the self hatred I had for my body at the young age of 10. The effect that anorexia has over the years has a massive impact on how you view yourself and life in general. And this is why that despite the immense suffering it caused to not only myself but all those close around me, I did not think that today I would be thanking my eating disorder. Thanking my mental illness and everything that came with it.
Although it destroyed me and those around me at the time, and how even when I eat a meal today I will automatically roughly know the calculations of calories i’m eating (This never stops me fyi, i thoroughly enjoy the beauty in food and eating). My eating disorder doesn’t define me, but massively has shaped how I view myself today, How I thank my body everyday, the beauty in all its rolls, curves and pudge. That now I remind myself how yummy I am, mind, body and soul. And this this generally makes me emotional because sometimes I think right back to how difficult that time of my life was, why I became so obsessive at such a young age and now even at the age of 20 it still massively affects my daily life.
But I thank this eating disorder for all its control it had, it made me a stronger person, helping guide others onto a journey of self love and seeing the beauty in any form my body takes as I develop and grow.
Recognising any thought as simply a process I am going through to make me stronger someday, make me appreciate every inch of my body, fill it with beauty, enjoying an indulgence, loving and appreciating the beauty in food and my body. Today i’m the biggest i have ever been but the happiest and most appreciative of my body, My body is something I respect and nurture, holding myself at night and kissing my skin is what my body deserves, a level of respect i never thought i would reach. So to my eating disorder which will always haunt me and remember as it will always affect me, you were and still are a little shit, but thank you.
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