Updated: Jun 24, 2021
Even writing a piece for something called the ‘Bi Diaries’ makes me feel like an imposter. I am a 22-year-old cis and - until recently I thought straight - woman, and only recently did I ‘discover’ I was into girls.
I was on a walk with my best friend and a male friend of ours, and he was asking about a female childhood crush I had been talking about (which, in my head, was totally innocent) and just outright asked me “would you sleep with her?”. “Yes!”. I answered. Both were silent – my best friend, who is a queer woman herself, said “well, that might mean you're into women?”. I responded, “well no – I want to sleep with women, but I can’t, because I’m straight?”
And that right there is heteronormativity in all its ugliness: somehow, this rigid world forced me to believe that I could only ever be attracted to a man so much that, even when I was fully aware I was attracted to women, I assumed that feeling wasn’t allowed. Which is wild – I grew up in central London, at a liberal school with liberal parents and queer friends all through my life – yet somehow this was so deeply ingrained into me.
That day was so freeing for me: later on, we sat in the sunshine drinking tinned gin and tonics and I couldn’t stop smiling. I felt a huge weight lifted off me – a weight I had no idea was there in the first place.
It’s still hard: I haven’t gone on a date or slept with a woman – which makes me feel like a total fraud. Which again, is wild, when I was 14 and hadn’t kissed a boy no one used that as ammunition to question my sexuality.
For now, I’ve turned on the girl setting on my dating apps, am trying to validate my feelings, and am taking each day as it comes. I’m grateful that I can be in these diaries – it makes me feel that my sexuality is so much more tangible.